If you can’t believe….

If you can’t believe, if you can’t accept anything on faith, then you’re doomed for a life dominated by doubt. ~~ Kris Kringle~~

Well the Holidays are here and I am still working in a different city away from my family. I have come to better understand how to manage the roads, buses, and downtown streets as if I were a pro. As if I have always lived here. The time I am not at work is the roughest part of the day, but I try to stay positive, I have been going to the gym regularly and getting back in shape as I have nothing else to do in the evenings.

My wife and I were talking last night as our youngest has a cold and was not able to sleep. She is the one, whom between our two daughters, attaches herself to me when I am home. I just felt if I were there, we could get her to sleep as she had been up all day and had not taken a nap or slept at all. It is times like that, when it pains me to be away. I also know it stresses my wife out as she is trying to juggle her patient load of people she sees and it aggravates her to cancel her appointments.
She works so hard, all weekend to get the upcoming week’s schedule just right.

Then she begins to stress about it, and starts to get down about our situation and it doesn’t help anyone when she gets that way.
She has been very quick to go to the negative side of things rather than the other way lately. I can’t help but feel responsible, as we didn’t start out this way.
The plan was for me to work and for us to have kids and stay home. Well I was making the money working in an industry that I didn’t care much about, but now I am no longer drawing that 6 figure income, so she has to work. But she also now has to take care of 2 little girls on top of everything else. I just want to get her some help and my income usually afforded her the time to spend with her daughters, without having to worry about what her check was going to look like.

We don’t really have family who can come over and sit with our girls during the day so she can work, and we can’t take our girls to day care sick, so she misses out on work to stay home. I know she loves taking care of our girls, but she also knows, somewhere down the road, she will need to make up her work. And that is bothersome to her, and to me as I wish I could just tell her to stay home I got it.
It is this reason as well as others that I have started sending out other emails looking for HCare positions again. I just got a call this week from my ex employer stating they are passing on me as I am not Senior enough by their considerations. It only made me feel good that I have this job in a different industry. But at this point with the right offer, I am no longer sure I would continue on with Oil and Gas.

They are giving me some really good one on one time this week and I hope that all works out for the foreseeable future. I am actually going to go home early this week, and for December it was said that I could work from Home on Fridays. That shortens my week and saves us money the longer I am at home, and I get an extra day during the month to see my family.

I ask everyday to find strength to get through this, to give my wife strength and to know it is not in vain, then I came across this little prayer and have said it out loud upon finding it.
Now, considering my beliefs about Christ and God, I always pray to God (once again, whatever that means to you) as I see God as all, creator of Man, Woman, Jesus and Buddha.  So, that being said I still enjoy the prayer and its meaning of comfort and faith, and a prayer for Strength. I needed it, as I was starting to wonder if I was just simply going down another rabbit hole, into the void.

Lord, you are Holy above all others, and all of the strength that I need is in your hands.

I am not asking Lord, that you take this trial away. Instead, I simply ask that Your will be done in my life. Whatever that means, that is what I want.

But I admit that it’s hard, Lord.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on. The pain and the fear are too much for me, and I know that I don’t have the strength on my own to get through this.

I know that I can come to you, and that you will hear my prayer. I know that it is not your intent to bring me to this point just to leave me in the wilderness alone.

Please, Lord, give me the strength that I need to face today, that I don’t have to worry about tomorrow.

If you just give me the strength that I need today that is all I need.

Keep me from sinning during this trial. Instead, help me to keep my eyes on you. You are the Holy Lord, and all of my hope rests in you.

Thank you for hearing my prayer.

 Amen.

Right underneath my feet

Well it is the start of my 3rd week within the O&G industry.

The people and offices are nice in the new city that I am living in now, as a second home.
I miss waking up with my daughters and seeing their sleepy eyes in the morning, and making them breakfast, but it is enough for Daddy just to get up himself now, off of his air mattress and find the local Park and Ride. I am taking a bus into the city as it is the quickest and easiest way to get downtown. And regardless of what others say, it is not exactly the cheapest. About 9-11 dollars a day to ride, whereas some parking spaces are as cheap as 7 dollars a day. Well it is a toss up, drive car, spend money on gas and wear on the car, or park and ride the bus into town. Coin toss.

I am lucky this week as I am spending my time working from home, as it is Thanksgiving week and a short week. My VP just said, work from home rather than drive up here for a short week just to turn around and drive back. I am grateful for his flexibility.

I have been on my knees every night since my pilgrimage to the Church with my Mother. To pay the obligation owed to my Grandmother. I said I would do it for a year, every night, as a small commitment to God. To remind myself that at the end of the day, I have had blessings throughout the day, and will have more in the days to come.

My prayer as of late goes something like this:
Dear Lord, thank you for the Blessings I received yesterday, thank you for the Blessings I received today, and thank you for the forthcoming blessings of tomorrow. I walk this path with your light within me, allow me to be at peace, and wise, while making the correct decisions going forward for my family. Protect and guide my daughters/wife while I am away, and keep them safe from harm. 

I think back now to the beginning of the summer and realize how it all went like a blur. My daughters didn’t skip a beat and are very happy to be going back to ‘school’ as they call it. The socializing with other kids we know are good for them, it is just weird how fast it goes from your mind if you let it. I am not trying to let it out of my mind completely as I was in a dark and removed place, more than I had been in so many years.
The O&G gig is greatly appreciated, as it was what I was asking for. Now I ask that I continue to believe that there is light at the end of tunnel. Even upon death there is a light.

The picture above is one of a tunnel in the city that I am currently working in. I had no idea it had tunnels underground until someone had told me about it. Good thing as it has been rainy and cold as of late.
Upon looking at the maps down in the tunnels I realized that there are a lot of different ways to get to where it is you think you need to be going. Sometimes right underneath your feet, but you are ‘unaware’ until someone sheds a little light on you.
I realized I had been putting up a wall somewhat to the light during the last 6 months. I was building it with all of my doubting, with all of my dis-belief of things getting better. Only upon truly letting go, and surrendering to the Universe that a decision was already coming did I get Peace.
Peace of mind to no longer carry the burden of thought, that the mind inflicts upon us, and the Peace that comes with truly believing all will be OK.

When weeks of quiet went by on my phone and email, the last 3 weeks oddly it has been ringing with opportunities, but of course back in the Healthcare industry.
I have rejected them all, however……a company called me in my home town. International company, and one I used to work for before. Looking for an IS App Manager, that is what I used to do at one of my old jobs. Work from home, manage other consultants and 25% travel. Hmm.

Not sure what to think of the prospect but I am speaking with them this week, I will see if anything comes from it, but it does feel good to at least know I have a job.
I might not be the highest on the pole (yet) and not making the same money I was the past few years, but there is a sense of peace and thrill within me again. As this feels like a new start, a new opportunity to be me, in a new place. And remembering all the while, that just because I don’t see the route that will get me where I need to be, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there, just right underneath my feet. Just have to wait for the light.

…with “fingers crossed”

“Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect.”
― Margaret Mitchell

On my drive back this past Monday there was a storm on the horizon as the sun was setting. I could not tell if the storm was passing or if it was approaching. I hoped that it was coming as the rain would be welcomed.
I then realized that looking in the rear view mirror, I had just left another interview going down the road accompanied with a passenger called Hope, nicknamed ‘fingers crossed’.

I live about a 2.5 hour drive from one of the largest cities in the U.S., and I had received a phone call and email last week sharing with me that a company wanted to interview me in person. I am approaching this encounter a bit differently than the past interviews. This company is an Oil and Gas company looking for a Technical Consultant. Yep, a company that is NOT a Healthcare company.

Now, the Universe has an odd way of putting things in front of you, as I sometimes suspect (tho incorrectly probably), it wants to see how much I really do want to get out of my current field of expertise to get into one I have wanted to enter for a long time now.
You see, the position is an entry level position, I would be making about 60% less than I am accustomed to. My wife and I had that conversation about income, and she and I both agree it is worth while to take the job 1) because it is a “job”, and 2) it is in a field that I can break into (while possibly still entertaining other open healthcare jobs).

During the interviews, which were 4 hours long (lunch, presentation, interviews and study case presentation to company) I met first with one of their Sr. Consultants and then the V.P. of the division. Both without batting an eye asked me ‘what are you doing here?”. They noticed the experience, the time worked Internationally and my ascent up the Management/Leadership ladder. A valid question.
I expressed my thoughts of entering into the new arena with eyes wide open, eager to start anew and was just hopeful to bring my past experiences to their company.
I explained the Culture grid (MBA stuff here), and how each companies cultures fall into a certain place on the grid. Based upon an assessment we all had to take in Grad school, my personal makeup falls in the culture grid best suited for Investment Bankers, Consultants and the Oil&Gas field. My opposite is the grid that Healthcare falls into! (they really should teach this to high school kids so they know where they should be directing themselves in the future)

The VP shared that if I was to start work for them, how would I take care of my family. Not exactly a soup question and definitely an HR nightmare question. But they are a private company so maybe he feels he can ask what he wishes.

I told him that in the short run there might be some going without, but my wife has her Master’s degree also and makes a comfortable living on her salary alone. I told him however the payoff would be that in 2-5 years time, that hopefully I would be back to where I was before in regards to my salary, possibly even more, and having one key difference. Being happy and satisfied within the industry that I was working.

I left that interview with much enthusiasm and hope. Walking down the steps out to my car with ‘fingers crossed’.

Here is the rub, I can’t see the future and I can’t tell if there is a clearing up ahead or a storm coming.
I got a call for another consulting position within Healthcare last week also. I spoke with the recruiter and all seemed to go very well. I still have to wait to hear feedback from her as to next steps, she said the process could take 4 weeks with an interview every week, having completed the first.
Normally I would not be sitting here with ‘fingers crossed’, but she eluded that next steps were definitely forthcoming from their HR on round 2 interviews. The company is a fortune 100 company.

So, not trying to get too far ahead of myself but…what would you do?

Take a job, with a bonified top notch company, with clean cut, razor sharp employees as consultants, making above six figures, BUT….knowing it will be in the same industry. Kind of like getting a brand new pair of running shoes only to find out you are still running the same course and path you have run before. Nothing new, no surprises and the obstacles ahead are the people you are supposed to be helping, those who don’t even want the help, slow to change and slow to technology.

Or, do you take a leap of faith, with ‘fingers crossed’ and start anew, entry level position, smaller salary, new industry, with people who like the race, the speed of change and embrace technology as a solution to their problems?

Hope….always there.