Time passes along, with small moments always being missed on a daily basis.
The saying ‘time waits for no man’ is correct, it marches onward, to some unforeseen, and unknowable destination that no one will ever see.
My sister turned 40 this year. Her birthday was last month, and the family waited and held our breath, hoping her husband would get some momentum around her celebration bash.
Of course she protested, that she did not want anything fancy done for her, no big fuss made over herself. And of course he bought it, hook, line and sinker.
So, her birthday came and passed, with no grand overture on her behalf. Now, this would have been enough to have more than a few of us say tsk tsk tsk, but there was an accompanied insult that went along with this.
My nephew, her only son graduated this year from High School. She really wanted to go all out and do a big party for him, she planned for months on end, reservations, food, people, invitations etc etc.
She even bought him a trip to NY City for a week to hang with his parents one last time and his female cousin.
Alas, as the party through nearer to the time of celebration, she asked him how many of his friends he was going to invite. He said none. ??
My sister asked why none, this is your party. He more or less referenced it was not his party, but a party for the family, a party he did not want nor ask for.
There was no visits to the emergency room that evening, which was probably the only good thing I can say about the conversation. Needless to say, a few days later she cancelled the bash for him and informed everyone it was not going to happen.
Comments aside for my Nephew and Brother in Law, this is not me trying to bash them as to simply build a platform for my sisters past few months. I love them both, but really had wished other options or choices would have been made in regards to her. As she is the type of Mother and Wife that is always giving toward them.
So, here we are, a surprise outing for my sister last night, just her and me. My wife suggested it that way as she believed that my sister’s time with me on an outing would be one she wouldn’t forget. And that is exactly the way to describe last night, pretty sure she won’t forget it.
You see, after the tapas, the Irish Whisky, the Chardonay, the Pinot Gris, the beers and not to mention being swept up into a Gay Pride Parade, while crossing the street to get to another bar, there was that one moment of another bad choice.
I decided that the evening would not be topped of correctly, unless I drove us back home.
The outing turned out to be one of catching up with my sister, and celebrating her late 40th birthday, but it was also my night to get immersed in my own sufferings of sadness again.
I have been unemployed now for about 4 months.
I am an Implementation Consultant, who just recently received my MBA last May, with about 10 years of experience doing this type of work. I have been looking for work for so long now, that it is putting a strain not only on myself, but my wife and marriage.
So, as the libations kept flowing last night, the kink in my armor started to dissolve away, and the creek of self-pity flooded into my mind.
I made a bad choice to drive home drunk, there were no injuries that I wasn’t ready to accept last night for myself.
The problem with this all was my sister was in the car with me as I drove intoxicated.
I fear that she was genuinely concerned and scared while in the car. It is hard to make amends for that.
Luckily, no one was hurt, at least not to the body other than a few kneel downs at the porcelain high court of jesters. My sister made it home ok, my brother in law followed me home and I awoke alone in my bed with the Mrs. on the couch.
The smell of the alcohol is gone today, the headaches have subsided, the obligatory apologies to my family about driving while drunk was sent out, as well as a few apologies to old friends who I drunk texted to say hello last evening.
BUT, the cloak of despair and sadness hang heavy around my neck today.
Thinking all the time that I should just give up and quit, but truly not even knowing how to do that?
I have a wife and 2 little ones, I need to find work.
My wife makes a great income but she has to work alot of hours doing what she does. It is wearing her down, and I feel so useless. I just want to take away the pain, the pressure the sadness from her.
I let down my guard last night, hell who am I kidding, I wanted to get just pissed drunk.
Almost a sense of “I am due” to get this drunk feeling.
Tomorrow my wife will go back to work, she is a bit sick this weekend, but she won’t miss work. I will be home with the two little ones as I have been religously now for months. I told my wife today that I am just so tired of the same day repeating itself day after day. Nothing new, nothing different.
She said yes….I know.
watkuweis ~~ 