Decisions, decisions.
It was in the air, it was in the green “Venti, room for cream” tea leaves.
A RIF, or reduction in force for the uninitiated. $22 million, that is the number my company is expected to lose due to the Oil and Gas falling like a beaten up Pinata on Cinco de Mayo.
The signs were there, end of quarter, town hall meeting, and that unexpected (or expected) meeting with your boss, who happens to be the COO.
So, when I got up this morning to meet with him I looked down at my shoes and my dress and figured why not just show up with my normal work day clothes. Which is my usual pj bottoms and college alumni shirt and slippers? I mean, if I am going out, why not go out as I choose to?
Be careful of what you wish for, as what you wish for might not be what you need.
To imagine that once again I would be the unemployed MBA guy is just unreal. I figured I had weathered the storm, did my penance and was now going to see the rewards of my patience.
How do I feel now? Well, blessed.
I have been very in line with my path in life. I have bent my knees every night for the last year, recalling my humility of losing a job and going months without work. I have crossed my hands and given thanks for the blessings of yesterday, today and the blessings to come tomorrow. I have read Eckhart Tolle, Nietzsche, and the Good Book. All the while remembering that life is not promised easy, but any breath that I take, is life, and I can make it what I wish for it to be. Nothing was promised to me, and nothing is owed me or due me. I realize that now. There is NO NORMAL way that life should be, it is a path that is laid out for us and each is different. This is my path and I need to keep walking it as there is no other option other than death. Then all bets are off, you have no choices and that is when rest comes easy, presumably.
But lets keep it real, am I upset, saddened? Why sure. At most, because of the concern and worry that my wife’s face can’t hide. Upon telling her what I suspected was happening I could see the transformation of that vibrant lovely person, turning into an old woman in front of my eyes. Her reply: “I just wish we could get a break, ya know? I don’t know why this keeps happening to us, I just wish we could get a break.”
It is hard enough to keep my spirits high, and follow the light and not allow the ego, the darkness, the doubt to surface again without having to try and convince her that it will be ok. She, to her own admission, seems to gravitate toward the negative side very quickly and easily. Why me, why this, this was not my plan, I did not want my life to be this way at 40, I had envisioned something entirely different for me, for us and for the girls.
I explained to her that she does not need to feel guilty this time around about venting, about being pissed off, or about being disappointed BUT, that I wanted her to get it all out and then bury it and not let it resurface again. To try and get a better handle on all the blessings we have in our lives. Primarily 2 healthy little girls, love in our hearts for one another in this family and for all the prayers and candles that will be lit for us cheering for our day in the sun. This too shall pass.
I shared the information with my sisters, and one of them is an ER nurse, she told me I ws correct in my thinking. She is sending home a baby that has a chromosomal abnormality, is on oxygen and a feeding tube and has facial deformities and the mother is 23. On top of that, the babies father has stage 4 stomach cancer. I immediately counted my blessings and lowered my head and said a prayer for them.
If we were to put all our problems into one big pile with everyone else’s problems, we would jump back in, to get our problems back out, after having seen everyone else’s.
So……now what?
This time around I am not keeping this a secret, I am networking with my other Graduate friends and letting them know my situation as it is one that is all over the news on a daily spin.
The company is $22 million flat for the year, and even my boss, yes the COO is getting scaled back to just an adviser position. He stated to me that he was pretty sure he was not too far gone as well. And, he also said he would not be surprised to find himself looking back into healthcare, the same place he had just left to get things going with his Oil and Gas adventure. I paused….realizing that in the back of my mind I was thinking the same way.
What do I want? Stability, long term stability and enjoyment with financial security for my family. Now, how to make that change after having been out of healthcare for 2 years? That is the new journey, maybe it won’t be healthcare, and Energy is not going to rebound anytime soon, so I believe the Lord is moving obstacles for me right now. Moving people to cross my path, to have that one good thing come across for us to finally get a break.
What I do have, is happiness with my Daughters and Wife. If the world was to come and take everything away that was physical, I would be happy if I could still put my arms around my family and be thankful for the blessings from up above.
Faith is not hoping God can, it is knowing that HE WILL.
watkuweis ~~ 